There are cults of fundamentalist Christians all over the world whose chief concern is the imminent arrival of Jesus. At various points in the last 2000 years, ‘experts’ and prophets have authoritatively proclaimed, “the end is nigh”. Jesus’ proposed return to earth in physical form will, according to them, be the Definitive Arrival of the Kingdom of Heaven, and things, it goes without saying, will be a little different.

Arguments about the exact date, time and place of Jesus’ arrival have been in the air from almost the minute Jesus left the first time, which, according to the various texts in the Bible which certain Christians insist on taking literally, was some time in May 33 AD (or Common Era, if you prefer). Even as recently as 2011 AD it was a done deal that Jesus was packing his proverbial bags. For the White House, of course. fbdb8cac6bd8cd49c70a81d9953a6127

Anybody paying attention to the unfolding prophecies of South Africa’s Jacob Zuma, however, will know the real truth: Jesus is due in 2019.

How can we be sure? Well, the South African president has been explicit about it for years. Shame on you, End Times ‘experts’, you thought the Mayans had figured it out? Nostradamus, maybe? Nope, a common-or-garden uneducated former bus-washer from humble Zululand has been on the inside track for years, and we should have been paying attention.zuma_white

Here’s how it works:

God expects us to rule this country because we are the only organisation which was blessed by pastors when it was formed. It is even blessed in Heaven. That is why we will rule until Jesus comes back. We should not allow anyone to govern our city when we are ruling the country. – Jacob Zuma Cape Times May 5 2008

Jacob Zuma has been an irrefutable source of esoteric inside information for a long time now:

I arrived from Jordan this morning just after 5 o’clock… I must say I took advantage of being in Jordan to go to the River Jordan where Jesus was baptised – I was around there. Jericho and Jerusalem were just across the Dead Sea. So, if I look at anyone, he or she will be blessed. – Jacob Zuma HANSARD 24 June 2003

[Those who vote for the ANC will be] blessed on earth and heaven (sic). – Jacob Zuma Sowetan 5 March 2006

That is why we believe [the ANC] will be in power forever until the son of man comes back. – Jacob Zuma SAPA 27 October 2007

These are not the pronouncements of the usual locust-and-honey-eating Old Testament refugee. These are prophecies from On High. We would do well to take them seriously. If we go by these calculations, we can expect the Son Of Man just as that last ballot is counted in South Africa’s 2019 election, in which the ANC will finally be relieved of its death grip on the country it has ruled to within an inch of its life since 1994.

2325bbd741fb4ae2a09b48db23a6137cThat may come across a little presumptuous of me to state as fact, but it doesn’t take much to see I’m right: Jacob Zuma just this morning survived another attempt on his presidential life when the ANC NEC declined to ask him to step down. According to a spokesman for cats, he only has seven ‘official’ lives left, all of which will be thoroughly imperiled by the time he steps down as ANC president in December this year. South Africa will then for a short camel’s-back-breaking period be left in the hands of another ANC unworthy, and will consequently be handed a red card in the 2019 elections. Jesus will arrive, on clouds, in the  moment following the counting of that last decisive ballot.

The only imponderable is whether Jacob and his 12 tribes will be allowed their exodus to their proposed Guptaland theme park in Dubai, in the immediate aftermath of the change in administrations. I would suggest that a prophet as favoured as Jacob deserves a little something after all that hard work.  Either way, Jacob has asked priests to get God to agree to Jesus’ return, and added an extra incentive:

The sins we have today are more than those that Jesus came to salvage. I ask the priests to ask God to send His son to come back again to cleanse our sins… He [God] must send him [Jesus] again. This time we won’t crucify him. -JZ Times Live December 31 2014

The sorts of inarguable facts presented here are always disputed by the rabble. Those of you who are vexed that I was the one to have figure this all out would do well to return to your Bibles, and pay particular attention to Jesus’ stern words to you from Luke 12:54-56.

Vote, and then repent, people. Preferably on the same day.

The end is nigh.